Bittersweet Goodbye

I met with my life coach yesterday. We have two more sessions left before we end our relationship for reasons that are good and healthy. It is time for me to move on to my next phase of learning to cope with my trauma history that affects every area of my life today.

About a year ago we began talking about this ending. Preparing and planning for the upcoming goodbyes. I find myself crying in almost every session which is very strange, for as long as I can remember I do not cry in session. However, what I am learning is I am grieving a loss. A good loss.

I began this journey with her over 7 years ago. Through her wise and empathetic being she has helped me to progress and pr ocess many stages of my healing journey. Such as recovering from addiction, physically removing myself from a codependent narcissistic physically,mentally, emotionally abusve marriage. Beginning a life of my own with 4 boxes of personal items and a VW. She helped me cope through working a job in a 24 hour diner that sells Waffles. I cried everyday on my way to work. Somtimes I would leave with only 20.00 in my pocket for an entire day of 8 hours of work. Somehow I managed to pay my bills and eat.

I found myself enrolled in college a few months later and took some classes while working my waitress job. I then began to be stalked by my estranged spouse and ran again. Six-hundred miles away, then traveled the country for 6 months with a friend so I could not be traced. I kept in touch with her through emails.

I came back into town, met the love of my life and re-married. She has seen me through this new mariage so far and it's healthy. I have resgined from my latest job, and now it's time to say goodbye to a very healthy relationship and grieve the loss.

We are going to pass an object betwen us in our last meeting. Something we can hold in our hands, something to represent each other meaningful and to have something to ground us to remember just how far we have come on this journey. The hard work, the lasting committment to the healing process.

I know that the care I have received is not repayable in any form. However, we both learned something in this relationship from each other.

I learned committment, real committment from someone th at has my best interest at heart. I learned there are people who truly want the best for me. I learned to trust someone else in this world with my deepest feelings, thoughts, dreams and wishes. I could let my dark side come out into the light. I could say what I wanted and it was ok. I could leave for a year and come back and it was ok. I could be 10 minutes late due to an unexpected Star Bucks sighting on the way to the office and it was alright, except for the healthy talk we would have when we got there about the effects of 5 shots of espresso in some sugary creamy substance I was putting inside my body. I no longer can tolerate this type of drink in my body as I have learned healthy drinking and eating habits.

I shall be searching for the next few days for an object that seems to fit to pass to my coach. As I write now, I am tearing up again. I feel sad and I am wondering if I shall ever be able to think of her without crying and be very happy about our time together. I am so grateful for her patience with me through the years. I felt so many times as if I took two steps forward and 3 steps back ward and she would need to re-do things we had already processed.

She helped me to understand why my life had been so chatoic and disjointed and why things happened as they would happen in the present- the here and now. I have learned acceptance, hope, good feelings, not so good feelings and that feelings will pass and they will not kill me. Feelings do pass, we do not have to stay stuck in them. We can acknowledge and honor them, we can choose to let them go and re-visit them anytime we choose. I have learned about choice, options. Everything is not black and white. I have experienced real freedom in a relationship without repercusssions. I have learned I can be proud of what I have accomplished no matter what I do. I can also admit that I do not want to let go, even though it is the best for me and her as well. I am learning to let go in a healthy manner. I do not have to run away. I can stand on my own two feet, acknowledge the truth, honor it and move on, while still holding our time together in my heart and in my head all at the same time. Tears flowing again, yet I know this is part of the process of letting go and bittersweet.

#bittersweet