A Sigh of Relief

I finished up my last day of work today. I feel a burden has lifted as the job was beginning to stir things up for me personally for quite some time. I gave my notice, worked the last two weeks and ended my relationship with the company in a responsible manner.

I just dreaded work for the last few months, and from the healing I have experienced, if something continues and I have used all my tools available, I am not locked into any job, I have options, I always have options. I can choose to leave or continue to be miserable.

Some days I would be bombarded with nonsensical, irrational personalities. It would be a constant parade of obsessed people that could not accept reality and were vicious in word and deed. In 8 hours time that wears a person's perspective about people into a dagger of sorts. It became very uncomfortable in my spirit.

God I'm so glad it's over.

One thing my sponsor says to me over and over. You can always choose again. Simple and sweet.

I think something we forget time to time is we have the power to choose again. We will not always be the same people year after year. What may work for a period in our lives, may not work for the rest of our lives. My truth is subject to change or what I know as my truth does change from time to time.

The truth is my former job served me well. I can still apply for a position, learn the task and perform. I can suit up and show up. I can perform well and be successful. However that is not all there is to working a job. Once, it was my truth. Today it is not my truth. Today my truth is if you are going to spend eight hours a day doing something, do something you enjoy.

I am in a position now where I do not have to be miserable while spending eight hours a day working. I can choose to do something else that better fits and suits my needs and my values.

Sometimes we need to look back to see how far we have come. This is one of those times. As far back as I can remember I have left suddenly any job I have had. My very first job, as a teenager my manager began berating me in front of a lobby full of customer because I asked a question. Anger took over, I threw my ticket book at him and the lobby began clapping. Of course I said a few choice words! Then a cabbie offered to take me home. The ride was crazy, I was thrown arouund in the back seat as we whizzed around the airport and finally arriving at my apartment.

So the cycle began of not being able to cope on a job. This happened over and over and over in various ways. Something would happen that I could not cope with either on the job or off the job.

The truth is I have ran from them due to my inability to manage my feelings, therefore my life becomes unmanageable. Anger would take over and all I could do was run from the perceived source of the anger. I had it all backwards. It was my inability to speak up with a healthy response, I would be frozen with fear at confrontation, then get unfrozen and rage & run.

I believe this stemmed from many things I did not learn as a child. All I can remember as a child is feeling invisible, scared and not having a voice. It was as if I lived in a constant dream state of sorts. I know why I felt this way now. But not yet ready to write it down.

I am choosing again, another path, another journey.